


Periwinkle Shirt, Cocoa Eyes, Contagion Wasn't Really Much Surprise

by BloodGlitterAndHappyRageBabe



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Chess, Confrontation, Jim is a nerd, Kissing, M/M, Sick!Spock, Sickfic, Space Nerds in Love, Spock is also a nerd, everyone knows but them, spirk, you guys wanted a sequel don't give me that look
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-10
Updated: 2015-10-04
Packaged: 2018-04-20 03:20:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4771532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodGlitterAndHappyRageBabe/pseuds/BloodGlitterAndHappyRageBabe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to 'Lemon Shirt, Honey Eyes, Contagion Should Be No Surprise' - Spock is now sick and still agonising over the impromptu kiss that got him sick in the first place. Jim is oblivious. Everyone else is so done with them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Doctor, I have had a common cold before, I can assure you, I..."  
"Shut up!" Leonard McCoy snapped, clearly irritated at the amount of money he lost of his previous bet, "The whole reason you're sick is cos ya didn't listen to me in the first place. Honestly, it's like having a starship full of infants!"  
Spock did not respond, but only sniffled. He knew exactly how he had managed to pick this cold up, and it was not from a mere chess game.  
Did Jim really not remember?

Spock just let the doctor's grouchy mood go over his head and didn't even complain when he was confined to quarters. If anything it was welcome. Being around Jim until Spock had quelled this...feeling...was awkward. How could he look his own captain in the eye when those eyes had looked at him with so much love and desire? If that was even an accurate description. It was not impossible that Spock would project his own desires into that memory.  
But then why would Jim kiss him? He was sure, certain even, that Jim had initiated the kiss.  
"Spock?" Bones clicked his fingers in front of the half-Vulcan's face, "Spock? You with me?"  
Spock snapped out of his reverie, "Yes, doctor?" he winced at the pain his throat felt in speaking too suddenly.  
"You alright there? Seemed miles away, it's not like you." Bones frowned, "Usually you'd be snipping away at me with that Vulcan sass of yours."  
"This illness is causing mental and physical fatigue." Spock replied, briskly, "If you are done with your medical examination, Doctor, I shall return to my quarters."

"Jim! Wait, you got a sec?"  
Jim turned to see Bones jogging to catch up with him, "Bones! What is it?"  
"It's Spock."  
"Yeah, sorry about that," Jim smiled guiltily, "it really wasn't intentional - "  
"Does he seem off to you lately?"  
Uh-oh, Jim thought, he's heard this before.  
"Other than a sniffle and a sneeze, no not really, why do you ask? We're not gonna have Miss Chapel traumatised again, are we?"  
Bones briefly broke his concerned look for a breath of laughter, "No, I don't think so, anyway. he just seems...distracted, withdrawn. He says he's just feeling ill but...well, I don't know. I can't seem to put my finger on it, but something tells me it's more than that."  
"Well, doctor, with your permission I shall visit Mr Spock for a game of chess later and try and see what the matter is, rest assured if we need to divert to Vulcan, I shall let you know."

Watching Jim strolled off, Leonard glared at the captain's retreating back, "Go an' talk to him, damn pair o' lovesick fools."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's like that scene in the sixth Harry Potter movie where Ron kind of vaguely remembers calling out for Hermione in his drug-induced haze but dismisses it as nonsense and Hermione tries to get him to remember but gives up and you just throw a pillow at your screen like 'FOR FUCKS SAKE'.

Once off-shift, Jim strolled along the corridor, two styrofoam cups of tea in each hand and pressed the buzzer to Spock's door with his elbow.  
He couldn't help but feel a tiny little bit of excitement flutter in his belly and he repressed a grin. Shift felt boring and lonely without Spock there. Each time he turned his head or swung his chair round to the right out of habit to address, or even just look (not 'gaze', as Bones said) at his first officer. He felt secure, knowing Spock was there.   
A few muffled coughs and a rough ''Cob id.'' was heard from inside and the door slid open.

Jim entered and immediately bit back a snort. It would have been heart-wrenchingly pathetic if it weren't so funny.  
There Spock stood. Straight-backed and straight-faced, as per. However, his deep, thoughtful, chocolate eyes were rimmed green and watering, as a sick human's would be red. His nose, long and striking against his features, was tinged a copper green. Jim diverted his gaze downwards. It was adorable really, Spock's illness seemed to be so glaringly obvious, he must feel pretty awful. Is this what everyone on Vulcan looks like during flu season?  
"I brought tea," Jim offered, setting the cups down on the table, "you'll be needing it."  
"That is codsiderate, Captaid." Spock replied, thickly, wriggling his nose as if something was fighting to get out of it (probably a sneeze, Jim thought). He couldn't help but notice Spock was formally addressing him, despite neither being on duty. Odd.

"You're still in your uniform, I see." Jim remarked, "Shouldn't you be in something a little more comfortable?"  
"I was adalysig reports frob the sciedce staff." Spock replied, "I berely lost track of tibe."  
"Still bothering your scientists even when you've been signed off?" Jim teased, "Trust 'em a little, will you? They're a capable bunch. Just relax, get yourself better."  
"As I have idforbed the good doctor, I have had a cobbod code before ad I ab perfectly capable of - heh!" Jim winced as Spock pitched forward and sneezed thunderously, twice into a tissue and Jim couldn't help his smile that time.  
He'd always thought of Spock as his opposite. He was pretty short, while Spock was one of the tallest people on the ship. Jim was prone to packing on a few pounds while Spock was slim. Jim was openly emotional and gave love freely to anyone who needed it, while Spock would be closed and only reveal his true self to those he deemed close enough. Jim's nose was small and round and upturned, while Spock's was large and slightly hooked. Even their sneezes, Jim's being quiet and (only slightly, he told himself) high-pitched (and only sometimes) while Spock's just seemed to clash entirely with his controlled personality.  
"Bless you, Spock, I'm sorry I got you sick."   
Spock noticeably stiffened at this. Aha, Jim thought, maybe Bones was on to something. Don't press just yet, let him come to you.  
"Shall we play, then?" he offered, "You go first."

Spock did not speak for much of the game. There was no innocent cajoling, teasing or, to some extent, mild flirting. The only noise he made were ones of sneezing, blowing his nose and coughing. Not even subtle glances. The half-Vulcan's gaze was predominantly fixed on the board and Jim was definitely seeing what Bones meant. It couldn't just be illness. Spock was...upset?  
He sighed, "Spock?"  
"Captaid?"  
Jim eyeballed his first officer, "What's wrong?"  
Spock coughed, "I ab udsure as to what you are referrig."  
"Come on, Spock, I know that look," Jim said, "What is it?"

Spock froze. His illness was causing him to lose focus. Was his control slipping? Could Jim see? Of course he could, Jim could always see through him somehow. He may as well be made of glass.  
"Jib, what do you rebeber of the other dight?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's drunk?
> 
> Your author.  
> Your author is drunk.  
> Your author is drunkenly writing this chapter.

Before Jim could answer, Spock interrupted with a particularly violent sneeze that had the Vulcan cringing in disgust. Oh, Surak, why now of all times must he be in this pathetic state? Why had he said anything? He could have just dismissed Jim's concern and moved on. Why oh why had this happened?  
"Bless you."  
"Excuse be, Jib," Spock's cheeks flushed grass green, "it is udfortudate that you would see be id this...bost udappealig coditiod."  
"Oh Spock, I think we've known each other long enough now - I've seen you passed out, drugged, feverish, injured, and I've lost count of how many times I've sat with you while vomiting up everything under the sun after a particularly nasty reaction to Bones' medicines."  
And that, Spock thought, is simply who Jim is. Jim is his friend. His friend who he once threw up on after being injected with one of Doctor McCoy's hyposprays and simply removed his shirt and stayed with him, rubbing his back as he heaved into the toilet. They had only known each other a month. Jim, his friend who can laugh and forgive after Spock nearly killed him. Jim who doesn't question or force him. Just...Jim.

"So, where were we?" Jim prompted, "What do I remember...erm - I remember feeling pretty woozy, I remember you helping me to the bed and then that's it. Is that what this is about? Did something happen in the time I don't remember?" A look of fear passed over Jim's face, "Oh God, did I say something? Did I say something to offend you?"  
"It was dothig you said, Captaid." Spock said quietly, his nerves shaking,  
"Something I did?" his face blanched, "What did I do? Spock, whatever I did, you have to know - "  
"The reasod," Spock interrupted, "I ab ill at this curredt bobedt is dot decessarily through breathidg id the viruses you expelled idto the air, although that bay have happed, it is bore likely to have beed through a...differedt...way..."  
Jim froze, and simply nodded for Spock to continue.  
"I sat you dowd od the bed ad you...you wered't id your right bide, I uderstad that, but you lead id extrebley close ad thed you...you..."  
"I what, Spock, what did I do."  
"You pressed your lips agaidst bide. You kissed be."  
Jim's heart stopped, he did what?  
"Ad I...I kissed you back. I was caught off-guard, a bobedt of weakdess, I took advadtage of your idebrieted state ad bobedarily returd your advadces before I stopped byself." Spock finished quickly.

Jim sat, frozen, dumbstruck.   
"I kissed you."  
"Correct."  
"I...kissed you?"  
This was a nightmare. How had he lost his mind so completely? Kissing Spock like that, out of the blue, unexpected. This wasn't how he wanted it to be! Whenever he had imagined his first kiss with Spock he would have expected to at least have been mututally initiated with a perfect setting, let alone remember it.  
And poor Spock, having his friend, his captain, spring on what for a Vulcan was a massive amount of emotional and physical affection, and then not remember any of it? And now he was sick. A constant reminder of that moment until the cold worked it's way out. No wonder Spock was off with him.

"Spock, I...I am so sorry. So, so sorry...I..."  
"Captaid." There was the formality again, "I ab aware that you do dot possess the affectiods ode would usually associate with such ad actiod. I ab also aware that you were dot id a codtrolled state of bide at the tibe. I place do blabe od you. I do, however, feel resedtbent towards by owd lack of self-control - "  
"Spock, if you would...I'm sorry." Jim said, rubbing his temples, "Can we not at this moment? I just...I need some time to process this..."  
Spock's heart sank. "Of course."


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
> 
> What am I doing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains my Jewish, Yiddish-speaking Jim headcanon, I'm not sorry. This was written a few days ago, then pushed back and edited because I had other ideas and what-have-you.

Spock didn't know what to do with himself. He sat, staring blankly at the chessboard, numb.  
Occasionally, he tried to get up and do other things. Meditate. Read through science reports. Something, anything other than sitting and staring into space.  
But this was where he always ended up. Stupid, stupid! Stupid to confront Jim about this. Was it his desire to simply quell Jim's curiosity about his mood? Or was is that tiny, minuscule spark of hope deep within him that wondered that maybe, maybe there was a chance that Jim felt the same.

Always. Always came to sitting down and staring into space.  
'Heartbroken', as his mother would say. Spock had professed this to be illogical when he was a child and often looked to his father to back him up, expecting Sarek to agree that one's heart was a muscle that held no relation to emotion, and certainly did not break when one was sad.  
But his father never did and it was now that Spock understood. Sarek, as stern a Vulcan as one could be, did feel love. He loved his mother with every inch of himself and was likely familiar with this 'heartbreak'.  
Now, feeling his heart sink and become almost painful in his side, Spock understood his mother's human idioms more than ever.

Jim did not want to be alone with his thoughts right now. So he sat at a table in the mess hall. Damn Bones' stupid diet, pudding was necessary right now, he thought, shoving a forkful of chocolate babka in his mouth. What was he supposed to do? How could he face Spock after this?  
Spock felt emotion, he did, and what Spock must be feeling right now is shock, violation. God, what could he do make this right?   
He had always found Spock attractive, from the early days of his captaincy he had thought the half-Vulcan was...well, cute. Even before Spock had been made his second-in-command after Gary died, he got along with Spock. Admittedly Jim's crush on Gary had prevented any closeness developing until later on. Jim realised now that Gary was, in hindsight, a very manipulative person but Spock...  
After Gary's death, the two became close, very quickly. They worked well together, bouncing off one another easily. Even as a new captain, so young, having Spock next to him felt so...so easy. He found himself missing Spock when he wasn't there and the thought of losing Spock just made him...  
Spock was his best friend. But Spock didn't see him like that. How could he? Jim had always been comfortable with his bisexuality but Spock...outside of pon farr (and even then, Spock wasn't particularly keen), did Spock even have feelings like that? He had seen women nearly throw themselves at Spock but Spock...rarely reacted unless he was under some kind of influence. Like that pollen rubbish, Jim thought bitterly, he still thought he should have had that Leila Kalomi pulled up on that. She drugged him, for Heaven's sake, Spock couldn't consent to anything - 

"Well well, what's this? A Captain ignoring his doctor's orders?"  
"Don't start, Bones, I'm not in the mood."  
Leonard sat himself opposite Jim, a gentle smile sparkling in his blue eyes. "Long day?"  
"You could say that," Jim replied glumly, taking another bite, "I needed comfort food but," he looked down at his replicated dessert, "it's not the real thing."  
"I'll bet. Did you talk to Spock?"  
"Spock?" Quick, think of a lie, "Yeah, yeah, not much out of him - I guess he's just sulking about having to take time off."  
Leonard looked sceptical, "Sure, sure. I'm about to go check on him, just figured I'd grab dinner. What is that you're eatin', anyway? Some kinda chocolate bread thing?"  
"Babka." Jim corrected, "Haven't had the real thing in years. My aunt makes a real good one every holiday."  
"You got a holiday coming up soon, haven't ya?"  
"Rosh Hashanah," Jim nodded, mouth full, "I'll have to comm the family then."  
"I think we'll all know when that happens," Leonard chuckled, "It'll be when Chekov has to ask you to repeat orders twice because he can't understand your accent."  
"You say this every year, my accent gets thicker after talking to my family, I just don't see it."  
"Of course you don't see it, you're used to it."  
"Oy vey," Jim sighed, laughing, "Get outta here, go do your job!"

Bones had managed to lift his spirits a little. Maybe he could do the same for Spock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm supposed to be packing but I can't pack if a bunch of my stuff is in the washing machine can I?


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bones and Spock snipe at each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS I'M SORRY I'VE BEEN AWAY WITHOUT TELLING YOU I moved really far away and I've only just managed to get my wifi working so OF COURSE my first port of call was SHIT I NEED TO FEED MY NEOPET and then I came here because my inbox has been flooded with kudos and compliments so DO NOT FRET I am here now wow I legit can't believe you're all here wanting more cos I personally think this is some of the biggest trash i've written. i <3 our space nerds tho.

Bones entered Spock's quarters to a swish and a sneeze. Evidently the Vulcan was not feeling much better.   
"The Doctor is in!" he sing-songed, "How ya feelin', Spock?"  
Spock snorted heavily into a tissue and glared blearily at the doctor, "Udwell."  
"Figured as much." Bones sighed, "Well, Jim's visit shoulda cheered you up at least, huh."  
"I hi...highl...hightly...ha..." Spock stuttered before breaking off into a colossal sneeze, "I highly doubt that very buch, Doctor. The capatid visited be dot 1.4 hours ago ad that particular visit did dothig to ibprove by bood whatsoever."  
"Guess you're too sick to deny feeling any emotion then," Bones murmured as he fiddles with the tricorder, then stopped. "Hang on, you say Jim wasn't much help at all?"  
"Affirbative."  
"'Bout an hour ago?"  
"Ode-poidt-four hours ago, Doctor, I do wish you would be bore precise." Spock inhaled deeply again and fumbled for a tissue.  
Ignoring the niggling at the back of his mind, Leonard sighed and put away his tricorder, "Well, this cold's hitting you hard, I gotta say that but there's not much you can do about that. Just sit tight, make sure you're gettin' rest and fluids. Maybe have a go with saline solution or maybe inhalin' steam. Your sinuses are lookin' pretty clogged and it looks painful."  
"You are dot wrog, Doctor." Spock sighed, pressing his hands into his face.

It was then that Leonard really looked at Spock. He wasn't just the cold, insufferably logical Vulcan first officer of the Enterprise, who just happened to have a cold at that moment. Spock has been sick before, injured, and nine times out of ten, handled it with the same flawless dignity of a house cat. Even if embarrassed, still able to preserve grace and image, as if nothing has ever happened.   
But now Spock seemed small, fragile, ill. Bones scoffed at the last point. Of course he was ill, but Spock had never seemed to act ill until now. Gone was the impenetrable mask of unemotion, replace by a tired, worn out, flushed face that looked positively miserable. Physically but...emotionally? Spock looked as if he would like nothing more than to curl up under the duvet and wallow in his own self-pity like most...most humans.  
Bones had seen Spock with a cold once before. Granted it wasn't as bad as this one. Barely even a sniffle. Spock had simply strolled into sickbay, requested pain relief and decongestant, and was gone. He doubted anyone would have noticed if it weren't for the ferocious volume of Spock's sneezes but...now...  
Something clicked. Did this have something to do with Jim?

Of course, that's why Spock looked so miserable.  
The one person who is the exception to all of Spock's rules. The one person who can truly, without trying, get a real emotional response from Spock. The one Spock would cast aside all logic and reason and rule for. Who Spock would die for, even lie for, who could make Spock smile with no effort.  
That would also explain why Jim was bingeing in the mess hall on comfort food. And Jim must have lied about not having got anything out of Spock.   
What had they talked about that affected them both so much?  
Did they fight? No, neither seemed angry. Just...dejected? No...  
He would have to think on it further. And maybe talk to Jim again.  
"Well, Spock, I'll leave ya to it now. Try an' get some right, alright?" he softened his voice, not being able to snap at the crestfallen Vulcan, and gave him a friendly clap on the shoulder.  
Time to do some digging, he thought, damnit I'm a doctor not a detective!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bones is not a doctor *PLOT TWIST* lol jk he's the luurrrve doctor.

The ship knows when Doctor Leonard McCoy means business. It's almost a sixth sense among the crew. Or seventh or eighth depending on whether or not the crewmember was psi-null.   
Which would explain why the red, gold and blue sea of crewmembers was parting when they sensed the Chief Medical Officer stalking down the corridor with determination and/or murder written on his stern face. No one was really sure. But it was time to move.

"Damnit, Jim!" McCoy's voice rang out as he entered captain's quarters, "I'm a doctor, not a matchmaker!"  
Jim looked up from his book, confused, wondering if the door had just known McCoy was coming and opened itself or he had pressed the enter button without thinking. "I don't believe I've ever asked you to be a matchmaker, Bones, I've never needed a matchmaker. What's all this about, anyway?"  
"It's about you and your first officer, Jim. Now I don't know what happened between the two of you one-point-four or so hours ago, but the pair o'ya have been actin' like a pair o' wet blankets. You with your Jewish desserts an' Spock with his damn mopey attitude. He ain't just sulkin' cos he's been dragged away from the bridge, is he, somethin' went on, and I wanna know what!"

Jim opened his mouth and closed it again. Caught.  
James Kirk was a tactical genius when it came to negotiations, battles and avoiding any kind of sticky situation one could possibly run into in outer space. Except ones of the heart. Especially ones concerning Spock.

Leonard sighed. Oh boy.  
He pulled out a chair and seated himself down, heavily, "Come on, Jim. Something's not right. I know you comfort eat for a reason an' I know there's a reason Spock is so damn quiet. It's not doin' either of you any good festerin', so tell your family doctor what the trouble is."  
"We'll need a drink," Jim grumbled, getting up and going to one of his cabinets to retrieve glasses and a bottle.

"Ok, so..." Leonard started, "what's troublin' the dynamic duo?"  
"Hang on," Jim held up a hand, pouring them both glasses and taking a swig from his, "ok, so the other night when you came in and gave me that shot...the reaction..."  
"It got you drunk, right?"  
"Yeah."  
"And you spoke to Spock?"  
"'Spoke'." Jim laughed hollowly, taking another gulp, "If only that was it."  
Now Leonard was more curious, "You didn't talk?"  
"Well, I assume there was some talking involved," Jim shrugged, "I don't remember."  
Leonard's eyebrow raised, "The amnesia comes with it?"  
"Apparently."  
"So, if it wasn't anything that was said...when was this anyway? I saw you that evening. Was it after I left?"  
Jim coughed and blushed, "Spock was, er, in there."  
The doctor rolled his eyes and slapped a hand over his face, "Please tell me he wasn't in the closet, Jim, please, that is too cliche."  
"Moving on from Spock being closeted..."  
"How did he even get in there? The closet's far too small to get all that limb an' torso - "  
"Anyway - "  
"Right, right, you an' Spock..."  
Jim downed his drink, wincing at the bitter taste, "We were playing chess, don't do the air quotes at me, I know you all do it behind my back. And I was getting...well, fershnikit..."  
"I assume that means 'drunk'."  
"...and apparently, at some point while Spock was helping me to bed, I..."  
"Yes?"  
"I..."  
Jim paused, draining his glass and promptly refilling, barely able to say the words as he recounted the story in his head, "I leaned in and I kissed him."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tried to be sociable and typed this in the communal area of my house but no one is here and I'm kinda paranoid that someone is looking over my shoulder through the window behind me. Nathan, if you're reading this, it's not funny.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm going out to a bar tonight.
> 
> Why did I agree to that.

Bones put down the glass he had been holding up to take a sip of.  
"You did what?"  
Jim felt the shame crawl over him like a million ants. "I kissed him."

Well, that certainly did explain...everything. But why weren't the damn fools doing anything about it? Bones wondered. Spock clearly now knew that Jim loved him, why hadn't he made his move? Why was he moping around like a lovelorn teenager?   
"So, er," Bones coughed and picked his glass up again, "what happened next?"  
"I don't remember," Jim sighed, "I must have passed out."  
"So you remember kissing him but not much more?"  
"I don't even remember the kiss." Jim admitted, "It was Spock that told me."  
Bones choked on his drink, "He TOLD you?" he spluttered, calming his throat with another sip, "That I'd have liked to see."  
"Don't make fun, Bones, I've dreamed about my first kiss with Spock and planting a surprise drunken smooch on him, unsuspecting and unwillingly, was not it."

Leonard smiled slowly, a grin spreading across his face, so Jim had said it out loud finally. He had it bad for Spock. And he suspected Spock was, while unsuspecting, far from unwilling. So what was it? Just Spock wrestling with his damned Vulcan pride? Did Spock reject Jim? Was Jim...  
"I'm so ashamed." Jim moaned, covering his face, "I can't believe I did that! Now he knows everything because OF COURSE HE DOES, this is SPOCK we're talking about. And when he told me I just...I...I had to leave, I needed time to process it but..."  
Ah, Leonard thought, now he saw why they were both moping.  
"So you guys didn't discuss it?" he prodded, "No heart-to-heart? No talking about your feelings?"  
"Why does there need to be a discussion?" Jim muttered, taking a swig and refilling his glass, "I kissed him, he knows how I feel about him, took him by surprise. All that is needed is an apology."  
"Damnit man, you don't know that!" Bones snapped,   
Jim's head jerked up, "What do you mean? Bones, this is Spock..."  
"Spock who you'd take over a whole galaxy of beautiful women any day."  
"He's a Vulcan..."  
"Vulcans have feelings, Jim, as much as they claim they don't. You saw how he reacted when he realised you were alive after that whole pon farr incident..."  
"He's my friend..."  
"Jim." Bones interrupted, draining his own glass, "Just talk to him."

A few glasses later and Jim leaned on the table, swirling the dark amber liquid in the tumbler, while Bones leaned back in his chair.  
"Y'know getting in this state is what got me in this mess in the first place." Jim murmured, "Fuck."  
"Scotch courage." Bones replied lazily, knocking his drink back.  
"Dutch."  
"What?"  
"It's Dutch courage."  
"Been spending too much time round Scotty, I guess." the doctor reached forward towards Jim, "So you gonna talk to Spock or not?"  
Jim bent his head back, draining his glass and setting it firmly down on the table. "Yes, you're right. It's time to talk. Time to tell Spock how I feel and have a heart-to-heart showdown."  
"Atta boy," Bones grinned, raising his own glass, "come back if he says no, we'll open another bottle of this."  
"You got it."


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hahahahahaha ya'll gonna be hella disappointed. That's because your author is a disappointment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for mentions of eating disorders, (maybe?) PTSD and (maybe?) obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Strolling along the corridor as carefree as a man could while his heart was actively fighting to break through his ribcage and splat onto the floor, Jim headed straight for Spock's quarters.  
I am the captain, Jim thought with determination, I can do this. I CAN do this. I can -   
Ok but what if... his brain said.  
Brain no. Jim thought, Not now.  
Yeah but...  
Stop it.

The only sounds he heard were his boots on the squeaky floor and the blood pumping round his body.  
It would be pretty cool if a red alert were to happen right about now, Jim's brain thought, then you wouldn't have to talk to Spock.   
What? No. Red alerts were the bane of his existence. They were the bane of EVERYONE'S existence.   
Yeah but what if Klingons attacked right now and both you AND Spock would be too distracted by the prospect of being engulfed in a fiery death to even remember your ginormous drunk fuck-up and you might be able to work together without it being awkward! The little voice in Jim's head sang gleefully, wouldn't that be preferable than you blurting out all your feelings and then him rejecting you and ruining your amazing friendship until one of you politely leaves and never speaks to the other again?

That wouldn't happen, Jim argued back, Spock wouldn't let it be that awkward - he's a Vulcan. He can control that stuff, right?  
He's only half-Vulcan, Jim's head reminded him, you can detect his emotions. You can see when something's wrong. Just like you did before he told you about your kiss.  
Spock wouldn't be that unprofessional...  
You don't know that. He is capable of acting on emotion...  
Spock might return my feelings...  
HA! You? The captain? You can't get involved with your crew and you know why!  
Spock's different! Spock's my friend!  
He'd never want a relationship with you! You are an emotional mess! You're so far from Vulcan, so far from perfect!   
I'm intelligent! People have wanted relationships with me before! I have ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends and ex-partners!  
Yeah...the voice said slyly...but they all have something in common, don't they?   
They were mutual things!  
They were using you! Look at Ruth!  
I almost married her!  
She was a set up! Gary said so...and speaking of Gary...have your feelings for him disappeared? Did they die along with him? After you...  
STOP IT!

Jim leaned against the wall, shaking. Goddamnit...this is why he should never let his insecurities take hold of him. Reduced to a weak, shaking mess, so much like his child self...  
Speaking of your childhood, how much does Spock know about Tarsus? the voice sneered. Does he know that his strong, indomitable captain obsessively stashes non-perishables in random places? Does he know about how you binge? Or starve? Why Jim, I see there's a reason for Bones putting you on those diets, do you see your waistline lately?  
You're right, Jim thought miserably, Spock deserves the best, to most logical. He'd never want a mess like me.   
Yes...yes...the voice said, you're his captain. You wouldn't want to take advantage of him. Not more than you already have.  
I'll go back to Bones.  
Yeah...that'll be best. 

The door swished open and Bones looked up from his glass, "That was fast. Not a good sign."  
Jim trembled as he sat down.  
"Uh-oh," the doctor commented, his good nature radiating to Jim, who felt slightly comforted knowing his friend was there to listen, "that face doesn't look too good."  
"I couldn't do it." Jim blurted out, "I can't...I just thought...if it goes wrong, if he rejects me...I don't think I could stand it." To his horror, he felt this throat tighten, "I'm not ready...for that heartbreak, Bones, the feeling, the pain, I just...I'm not ready for him to reject me. Not yet."  
Despite knowing better, Leonard didn't contradict his friend, simply poured him another glass and smiled. "Ok, Jim, in your own time."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That took a darker turn than expected. I just always felt like when Jim was confronted by his worst fears and insecurities they seem to seriously affect him. More than anything else. I figured Spock might play into that a bit seeing as he is mroe important to Jim than anything, even the ship.

**Author's Note:**

> ok but you asked for it.


End file.
